Baaaaaaa-ri Eid

HELLO, EVERYONE!

Main janta hun ke kafi arsay baad blog pe apni shakal dikhayi hai, lekin yaqeen maniye main ne zara miss nahin kiya. Haha, seriously, I was kind of busy all this time. Man has a job to do. Man has to sleep, eat and sleep again. Anyway, Eid ke is pur mussarat moqay par socha ke apni kuch chawalon se aap logon ko mehzooz karun.
(tell me, how many of you had to read ‘pur mussarat’ and ‘mehzooz’ twice?)

So, the topic I’m going to write about is Eid. Hum sab log Eid manatay hein lekin sab ka Eid mananay ka tareeqa alag hai. Aur aaj main isi baray mein likhnay ki koshish karun ga. As usual, kafi logon ko meri baatein shayad offensive lagein aur woh comments kar ke bharras nikalein. Please do that. Main comments approve hi nahin karun ga. Look, what is this!

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Sab se pehlay baat shuru kartay hein Chaand Raat se. Aur baat kartay hein bazaron mein rush ki, jahan khareedar kam aur woh log ziada hotay hein jo ghar se soch ke nahin atay ke unhon ne jana kidhar hai. In mein ziada tadaad hai boyses ki. Poondi karnay walay boyses. In larkon ke paas Chaand Raat pe sirf dou kaam hotay hein. Apni bike ko race dena (petrol chahay andar sirf 5 rupay ka hi kyun na ho) aur larkiyon ko aisay dekhna jaisay zindagi mein kabhi nahin dekha aur aaj akhri baar dekh rahay hein. In ke liye wohi Eid hoti hai jab koi larki ghalati se murr ke inhein dekh ley. Yeh larkay puri raat bazaron mein dhakkay khatay hein aur milta inhein kuch bhi nahin. Mazay ki baat yeh hai ke dil ko tassalli denay ke liye batatay hein aik dusray ko ke, “itni bachiyon ne dekha bhai ko,” with a huge grin on their faces. Asal mein chahay koi khusra bhi lift na karwata ho. Who knows.

Ab zahir hai ke jo puri raat bazaron mein phirta rahay, woh subah jaldi tou uthta nahin Eid ki namaz ke liye aur aksar log chorr detay hein. Aisay logon ki tunni (belly button) pe talwar ki nauk se gudgudi karni chahiye. Khair, main yahan koi namaz ka dars nahin dey raha beth ke waisay bhi. Aap ne parhni hein tou parhein lekin agar Masjid mein jagah nahin mil rahi tou agay aisay taap ke matt jayein jaisay hurdle race chal rahi hai koi.

Ab bari aati hai EIDI ki. Eid-ul-Fitr pe tou usually sab ko kafi ziada Eidi milti hai. (jin logon ko nahin milti woh tissue paper apnay sath rakhein ya konay mein ja kar royein) Asal miracle tou woh hota hai jab kisi ko Eid-ul-Azha pe Eidi milti hai. (baat pe ghor karein, mujhay yeh matt batayein if it’s Eid-ul-Azha or Eid-al-Adha) Jin ko Eid-ul-Azha par bhi Eidi milti hai, yeh woh log hein:

– Jin ki gali mein cricket kheltay huay kabhi kisi sarrial aunty ke ghar ball nahin gayi,

  • Jin ka biskut toot ke chai mein nahin gira,
  • Jo competition mein participate nahin kartay aur phir bhi jeet jatay hein.

Yeh woh log hein jin ko mera chappairrein karanay ka dil karta hai… Eid-ul-Azha pe bhi Eidi mil jaye apko aur aap tab bhi kahein ke, “kia yaar kia maatthi qismat hai apni” tou qasam se aap ko 21 topon ki salami denay chahiye, topon ka munh apki taraf kar ke. (please no dirty jokes) Kuch aisay relatives bhi hotay hein jo Eidi denay ke mamlay mein tang kartay hein. They ask you how much Eidi do you want and then deliberately give you a coin or 10 rupee note and that can piss anyone off. That’s just like I’m-going-to-nuclear-bomb-you-to-death pissing you off. Here is a piece of advice: Never be that uncle who does this crap to kids. Apni taraf se barra mazaq kartay hein but it really doesn’t make anyone laugh especially after doing it on EVERY FREAKING Eid.

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Let’s talk about Eid-ul-Azha and frequent visits to the doctor during and/or after Eid. Since you all know, Eid pe qurbani ka gosht hi pakta hai ziada. (confession time: I don’t like the taste of qurbani ka gosht, at all) Ab log kia kartay hein, qurbani ka gosht itna ziada kha letay hein ke ya tou tabiyat kharab hoti hai ya phir tabiyat hi kharab hoti hai. An average Pakistani usually requires more than half of the entire function’s food to decide and finally say it out loud whether the spices in the food were of right amount or not. Aur yeh har occasion pe hota hai. Pichhattar naan aur 2 kilo quorma kha ke kehtay hein ke, “khana bas theek hi tha…” Aisay log wohi hotay hein jin se koi ghalati se cheez toot jaye tou aas paas ghoom rahay kisi bachay pe ilzaam daal detay hein. Khair, baat kar rahay thay hum tabiyat kharab honay ki. Ab jo dangaron ki tarah anney waa khaye ga tou us ki tabiyat hi kharab hogi. Usain Bolt se taiz bhagnay se tou raha woh. Isi liye, is Eid pe is parampara ko torrein aur zara hath hola rakhein. Beshak apke apnay paison ka bakra aya hai, lekin dawai par bhi apke paisay hi kharch honay hein. Unless you’re one of those government officers jo nakli parchi bana ke dawai ke paisay nikalta hai hakumat ke khatay mein se. LULZ.

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Eid-ul-Azha pe sab se annoying kaam hota hai baar baar ja kar darwaza kholna, kyun ke Eid ke din sirf 2 log atay hein apke ghar; gosht denay walay aur gosht lenay walay. This is how it happens:

:ding dong:
“Kon?”
“Yeh gosht ley lein.”
“Acha.”
:gosht ley liya, you’re about to enter your lounge and someone is at the door again:
“Kon?”
“Goshat haaai?”
“Acha, thehro!”
:gosht dey diya, ab dobara lounge mein ghusay hi thay ke phir se bell baji:
“KON!?”
“Aunnu goshat ditta aey, mainu vi dawo!”
:and then you have to repeat the above process for a million years:
:and when the doorbell rings again and you’re so annoyed by it you reply with “AB KON HAI BC!?” and it turns out your favorite* relatives* are at the door:
*I know favorite and relatives are opposite in meaning but come on, kuch relatives achay lag hi jatay hein aap ko.

Har kisi ki gali mein aik aisa shakhs lazmi rehta hota hai jo apna qurbani ka janwar ley ke shokhiyan marta rehta hai puray muhallay mein. (kabhi kabhi aik se ziada bhi ho jatay hein) I call them the Qurbani Douchebags. They don’t know anything about the janwar lekin puri gali mein aisay show off karna hai jaisay janwar nashtay mein corn flakes khata hai ya bike pe beth ke one-wheeling karta ho. Aisay logon ko zara careful rehna chahiye, kahin qurbani ka janwar ghussay mein aa ke tudd na maar dein. Aur tudd kha ke agar ghalati se gir gaye aur bakray ne zameen pe already potty ki hui ho tou joke would be on them. Is liye, aisi harkatein karnay se pehlay zara sochiye. And by the way…

Bakray ki potty > Ufone > Pakistani Ads > Waqar Zaka wearing lehnga > Besharam

Qusoor un ka bhi nahin hai. Janwar mehngay hi barray ho gaye hein. Woh din door nahin jab un ko dekhnay ke bhi paisay laga karein gay. I asked this vendor in Bakra Mandi ke bakra kitnay ka hai, to which he replied “Payyan panjaa hazaar da!” (Rs. 50,000) But Seriously, us bakray ka size dekh ke lagta nahin tha ke woh pachaas hazaar ka hai. Bakra kam aur billi ziada lag raha tha woh. Bohat mehngayi hoti ja rahi hai. Jitnay ka bakra hai, utnay ki 2 Honda CD-70 aa jayein, banda doodh dahi ki dukaan laga ley, treat bhi dey dey doston ko tou phir bhi paisay bach jayein. Janwaron se yaad aya apnay mulk mein aik din ke liye Animal Rights Activist bhi bantay hein log. Yeh wohi log hein jo Eid se aik hafta pehlay BBQ scene down kartay hein. Munh in ka roti pakarnay walay chimtay jaisay bhi nahin hota aur ban jatay hein Animal Rights Activist. In ko khud nahin pata hota ke yeh activist banay kyun hein. Aisay kafi “activists” jinhein kakh nahin pata hota kisi cheez aur mujhay pata hai aap ke dimagh mein kis ka naam chal raha hai. LULZ again.

I think I have covered pretty much everything about Eid. If I didn’t, there’s always a next time and I’ll try to do it better if all of the above sucks.

Feel free to like, rate, comment and share. Your feedback is valuable to me.

Thank you!

Apki bachiyan bhaga chuka,

Ahsan Haseeb

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