Twitter Ke Namoonay

HELLO, EVERYONE!

I know it’s been so long since I wrote a new post. Ho gaye hein koi pachaas hazaar saal? Sorry about that! The only reason I couldn’t write was the excessive loadshedding ka azaab, AUR KIA! (and my laziness, too!) Anyway, I thought about many topics and that one topic that would gather almost every desi Internet user’s attention is talking about the types of Twitter users. I’m sure a lot of people have already covered it but I still feel like I need to write about it with injecting my own “desi” tarrka into it. I’m not going to attack anyone on personal level, I’ll keep it general as much as possible. Agar phir bhi kisi ko masla hua tou aap ke kitchen mein chhuri tou hogi. Apnay qulon par biryani pakwana. So, let’s start this!

Sab se pehli type of Twitter users jo main discuss karna chahta hun, that would be the Phadda Party! Everyone is aware of these people. Sometimes I try to act like I’m one of them but I fail. Anyway, these boys and girls are “charismatic” and so “awesome” that it makes me yawn. Social media par beth kar gaaliyan nikalein gay lekin jab face-to-face baat tou us hiran se bhi ziada taiz dorrein gay jis ke peechay sher laga ho. (ab bohat logon ke zehen mein PML-N aa gayi ho gi, LULZ!) Anyway, what I’m trying to say is they support each other on Twitter but real life mein “dorr apni apni” wala rule apply hota hai. I hope you all are aware of this rule, if not, ja ke sou jao chup kar ke. Koi kaam nahin aap ka idhar. Is Phadda Party mein bhi ajeeb type ki cheezein nazar aati hein, I mean there are a lot of different people in this party and everyone of them likes to think they’re the better phadday-baaz. The first type is the ‘actual party,’ jin se phadda shuru hua hota hai. You might be thinking barri koi serious baat hoti ho gi but it’s not like that. They mostly fight for their girlfriends or the political parties they support and sometimes singers ke bhi phadday hotay hein. There is an example here. (really hope this hasn’t happened with anyone)

Guy 1: Tu ne meri girlfriend ka tweet favorite kyun kiya, BC?

Guy 2: BC kisay bola, BC?

Guy 3: Tujhay bola BC, MC!

Guy 4: Teri khair nahin ab, BC!

And it goes on and on and on.

Ab yeh tou ho gayi actual party, is ke agay atay hein ‘bilawajah taang arranay walay.’ Yeh log puri conversation parh ke sochtay hein ke kis baat ka reply kar ke hero lagein gay yeh. And they reply and the phadda exapnds. Donon parties ke log aa jatay hein. And they keep BCing, MCing each other for a while. There also come ‘mazay lenay walay meesnay,’ who don’t know half of the people, but they mostly support those who are winning the fight. Teeli laga kar mazay letay hein and then they disappear. They’re just like kisi ki gali mein daigh paki aur yeh chothay muhallay se aye aur chaawal kha ke dorr gaye. And they are everywhere. I mean yeh log sirf phaddon mein nahin miltay, har taraf, har jagah, kisi na kisi tweet mein aik meesna lazmi nazar aye ga.

Honestly, yeh actual party sirf followers gain karnay ke liye phadday karti hai kyun ke donon ko lag raha hota hai ke humaray tweets parh ke awam khush ho gi aur follow karay gi. Yaaay. NO. Suno, puri dunya sirf mazay leti hai aap logon ke. Half of the people follow you because your girlfriend for whom you were fighting in the first place is hot. General example, okay? CALM YO’ TIDDS!

Ab aati hai baari dunya se haaray huay logon ki, jinhon ne har waqt whine karna hota hai bas.

Aaj karelay gosht paka? Whine.

Nail toot gaya? Whine. 

Teacher ne school/college/university mein danta? Whine.

Light nahin aa rahi? Whine.

Light nahin ja rahi? Whine.

Garmi hai? Whine.

Sardi hai? Whine.

Barish ho rahi hai? Whine.

Barish nahin ho rahi? Whine.

Kenya ke junglon mein aik billi mar gayi? Whine.

Obama ne baal kaalay karwa liye? Whine.

Matlab, you get it, in logon ki zindagi mein sirf whine karna hai aur kuch bhi nahin. Yeh log tou aisay whine kartay hein jaisay pura din ghar mein chanddein parrti hein, ya agar aaloo shorba paka ho tou inhein aaloo nahin milta. Some people do it unintentionally and before they know, it becomes their habit and they’re not even aware of it. Yaar koi haya nu hath maaro. (please don’t use that “Haya kidhar hai?” joke, it’s like a century old now) Twaddi jutti chuk ke ley geya aey koi masjid taun ya koi twannu karrway amrood khawa geya aey, masla ki aye twadda? Qabz hai agar tou doctor hein abhi is dunya mein. Koi sharmanay ki baat nahin.

A prime example of this chawalism I encountered a couple of weeks ago. Everyone knows how everyone hates Mondays. That’s acceptable and avoidable but there are users who complain about Sundays, too. I mean, what the Waqar Zaka yaar? Their tweets were like, “Boring day!“; “Why do Sundays exist?“; “DAMN, day wasted!” Aisa hardly koi din aata hai jab kisi ki nazar “A worst ending to the best day” jaisay tweet par na parrey. I wonder in logon ke sath aisa hota kia hai. Kuch assumptions hein meri, none of them are funny, though:

1) In ki manhoos shakal dekh ke in logon ki billi dorr jati hai.

2) Doston ko invite kartay hein ke aaj biryani ban jaye gi is bahanay lekin tinday ban jatay hein aur phir phissay huay kaddu jaisa munh bana kar side par beth jatay hein.

3) Ghar walon se daant parrti hai because they don’t use their iPads any more.

4) Kailay ke chhilkay se phissal jatay hein aur dunya ke har banday ki nazar in par hoti hai. (waisay main ne kabhi kisi ko kailay ke chhilkay se phisaltay nahin dekha real life mein) And by the way…

Kailay ka chhilka > PTCL > Ufone > Waqar Zaka > Aashiqui 2

Dil tou mera karta hai ke truck chala dun in logon par. If you guys remember Ghajini ka scene, jis mein police wala bus ke agay aa ke sasti maut marta hai. Well. Lekin nahin, that’d be too easy for them. In logon ki shalwar mein koi chooha chorr dey, ya in ki biryani mein aaloo daal dey koi. (obviously, jinhein aaloo wali biryani nahin pasand)

Now, I’m going to discuss the most known type: Political Douchebags. Kafi ziada annoying hotay hein yeh. You’re talking to somebody which is not related to politics at all aur yeh janab aa ke apni chawalein thok dein gay dou teen. In ka haal tou waisa hi hai ke kisi ne dawat ki aur yeh bin bulaye mehman ban kar chalay gaye. They don’t know a thing, they only tweet what they have read on social media, what anyone else has already tweeted and they think they’ll look cool if they posted the same thing. (of course, alfaaz ko morr tarror kar aur phir yeh log rotay hein ke in ke tweets copy kar raha hai koi, halankay khud bhi yehi kartay hein yeh. Dimagh ki jagah ghiyya fit hai in ki khoprri mein shayad) Ab aati hai baari party supporters ki. They can’t tolerate anything you say against their leaders. If you say anything in front of them, then consider it your Twitter death, unless you’re a phadday baaz in which case they won’t say anything to you. But they’ll keep posting indirect tweets takay dil ki bharrass tou niklay, garmi kam hai bahir? Then, there come those people who like to call themselves supporters but they know chhankna about their parties, they just keep arguing with you and presenting nonsensical arguments that you don’t even feel like facepalming on that. In sab logon mein aik common cheez hai, jab kuch samajh na aa raha ho tou unfollow/block kar detay hein aur phir anney waa tweets kartay hein ke kis tarah hara diya “kal ke bachay” ko. Chahay ghar mein in ka 10 saal ka bhai in ki khutti pe chapairrein maarta ho. (hopefully, you guys know what khutti is…)

There are people who post news updates of any kind. Chahay ammi ne ghar se sabzi lenay bheja ho aur sabzi walay ke paas beth kar tweet kar rahay hon ke barray authentic source se pata chali hai yeh baat. Most of the times, kuch updates jhooti hoti hein. Awein bas kisi ne shurli chorri hoti hai aur usay dekh kar sab shuru ho jatay hein. Bilkul usi tarah jaisay chowk par koi banda street light ka bulb change kar raha hota hai aur atay jatay log ruk kar usay dekhna shuru kar detay hein.

There are users jin se sab log tang hein aur woh hein followers ke bhookay, I like to call them Nadeeday. Haven’t used this term for them before, though. In ke Twitter par anay ka aik hi maqsad hai ke koi sawa crore followers ho jayein, lekin tweet kuch nahin karna acha. There are some jo baap ki jageer samajh kar follow back mangtay hein, munh utha ke, like Grumpy Cat.

b31

Then, there are those who don’t ask for a follow back but as they say actions speak louder than words, yahan wohi hisaab hai. They’ll keep following and unfollowing you, is umeed mein ke you’ll notice them and follow them back. Majority ka yeh haal hai.

Kuch acha tweet nahin karna because, ke kahin jo dimagh ko zang laga hua hai, woh kharaab na ho jaye. Aur bio bhi MashAllah aisa hota hai jis ke opposite hotay hein yeh log. Sarcastic likha hota hai bio mein lekin sarcasm samajh nahin aata. Photographer likha hota hai lekin yeh nahin pata hota ke photo khenchnay se pehlay lens cover utarna hota hai. Date of birth aur zodiac sign likhay hotay hein. Shayad woh log bhool jatay hein ke yeh Twitter hai, kisi najoomi ka daftar nahin. Phir woh log bhi hein jinhon ne larrkiyon se dosti karni hoti hai aur bas un ka har tweet isi baray mein hota hai. I came across a profile a few days ago. That person had mentioned almost every Pakistani girl aur har kisi se aik hi question tha, “hi, how r u?” Confidence check karein bhai ka, yeh log tou Meera Jee ko bhi peechay chorr dein. (aaafcaaurse!!!) Real mein shayad apni khala ki beti se bhi na baat hoti ho in se, woh alag baat hai.

There are people who copy your tweets, bios, usernames and whatnot. Agay se excuse kia hota hai ke, “Hum Twitter par naye hein, is liye kuch nahin pata.” Dulhan bhi shadi ke baad naye ghar jati hai, woh tou nahin choriyan karti. Okay, I don’t know why I said this, it doesn’t even make sense and I’m not going to delete it either. Parhein aap log bhi. But seriously, why would you copy stuff, apna dimagh istemaal karo yaar. Machhli bazaar mein baichna hai ja ke agar istemaal nahin karna tou?

Phir woh log bhi hein who’ll keep tweeting inteha ki chawalein on a hashtag ke bas koi notice kar ke kuch tou retweet kar hi ley ga. It only works if your tweets are good. Agar chawalein maarein gay tou jitnay followers hein woh bhi bhag jayein gay. Aur phir gaaliyan nikaltay hein jaisay woh followers nahin gaye, balkay kamaiti ley ke dorr gaya koi in ki. Phir woh log bhi hein jinhon ne sirf mentions karnay hein, majaal hai ke jo tweet kar dein koi yeh. Pichhattar sou dafa sochtay hon gay ke tweet kia karein aur phir end pe thak haar ke aik tweet kartay hein aur woh bhi, “Lovely weather.” Facepalm karnay ka dil karta hai na? Na sar na paon, lekin bas tweet kar diya aur phir yeh tweet kartay hein ke, “no one retweets my tweets.” Bhui, pehlay apna account unprotected karo, andar kia waddi phuppo ka jahaiz chhupaya hua hai jo privacy lagayi hui hai itni?

There are the football/cricket fanatics, jin ki wajah se timeline ki raftaar roshni ki raftaar se bhi ziada taiz ho jati hai. Har banda GOOOAAAAAAALLLLLL walay tweets karta hai, is tarah cheekhtay hein sab jaisay kisi ka Yamma (Yamaha motorcycle) start ho gaya hai. Apnay thakay huay analysis kartay jayein gay, jaisay Sir Alex Ferguson ko inhon ne hi manager banaya tha. Phir aik dusray ke khilaaf tweet karein gay ke tumhara club yeh, tumhara club woh. Marnay wali haalat ho jati hai in logon ki, jaisay in ke jaib kharch pe hi guzara kartay hein clubs walay. Kuch logon ko pata puta kuch hota nahin lekin woh actual mein match dekhtay hein takay baqi awam ko join kar sakein. Ab coolness ka sawaal hai, itna tou karna parrey ga. Kuch log match tak nahin dekhtay lekin kuch tweets kartay hein teams aur supporters ka mazaq urranay ke liye. (yeh harkatein main bhi karta hun aksar) In football fanatics ke paas inteha ka knowledge hota hai, no doubt, lekin SARA GHALAT. They keep posting tweets like a maniac aur jab koi aur apnay passion/interest pe is tarah tweet karay tou they’re like, “timeline ko ganda matt karo.” Qasam se dil karta hai ghar warr ke chapairrein lagaye banda in ke. Tum karo tou tweets, koi aur karay tou gandagi? Saaein tou saaein, saaein ki logic bhi saaein. Phir tableegh karnay walay log bhi atay hein. They appear out of nowhere aur apni taraf se barri naseehatein kartay hein, khud chahay takkay ka bhi amal na kartay hon un pe. Lekin tweet kar ke tou yehi dikhana hai ke in se ziada honest insaan dunya mein aur koi nahin. Chahay dusri tab pe koi fahaash website khuli ho. Who knows? (waisay abhi bohat logon ne pichli line parh ke apnay browser ki tabs check ki hon gi ke aisi waisi website tou nahin open. BAND KAR WEBSITE HARAAMZAADAAYYY!!!) Anyway. Some people tweet, “Yeh aik yahoodi saazish hai!” Some people take it too seriously, aur phir apni conspiracy theories shuru kar detay hein. Jitnay conspiracy theorists humaray mulk mein hein, shayad hi kahin aur hon itnay. Niklay hotay hein ghar se dahi lenay aur chowk mein beth ke discussion ho rahi hoti hai, “Aey jo kara reya aey, Amreeka kara reya aey!” And then they tweet about it. Aur jab ghar atay hein tou ammi se alag chhittar khatay hein.

There are also some really good Twitter users jinhein waqai follow karnay ka dil karta hai. They post amazing tweets, they are not spammers, they don’t seek fraaandship and they don’t ask anyone for a follow back.

Last but not the least, there are some users who abuse a lot. Awein baat baat pe gaaliyan aur woh bhi barri barri, gandi gandi, wahiyat qism ki. You can’t blame them, though, yeh desiyon ka swag hai. Jaisay firangiyon ka swag hai lekin un ke kuch log un ka mazaq bhi urratay hein, waisay hi halaat yahan bhi hein. Yahan ka swag gaaliyan dena hai aur jo nahin detay, woh ya tou hanstay hein ya taptay hein. But really, jo koi gaali dey raha hai, usay denay dou, apka kia ja raha hai. Unfollow kar dou, awein mention kar ke phadda kis baat ka, chaachay ka puttar hai woh aap ke? Waisay, mostly gaaliyan denay walay log wohi hein jo sakht garmi mein jacket pehan kar phirtay hein aur jab un se pucha jaye ke jacket kyun pehni hai tou they’re like, “Fashion hai, aap ko kuch nahin pata.” Allah bachaye aisay fashion se.

So, I think I’ve covered almost all the types. But then again, there are so many of them, this post will never end. Honestly, sari game RTs aur Followers ki hoti hai. Anyway, I should hit the brakes for a while and let you people read it.

Feel free to rate, like, comment, and share.

Regards,

Apki bachiyan bhaganay wala, Ahsan Haseeb

Advertisements