“Mera naam hai Ahsan Haseeb aur main hun aik happy muhallay daar.” (I know this is UBL’s promo line, I just thought of using it awein hi!) Neighbourhood. We all live in a nice one and since I haven’t seen any desi tarrkay wali post about it anywhere else, so I thought I should give it a try and share what I think of neighbourhoods and especially the people (+ the namoonay) with all of you.
There are a lot of different and interesting characters that live in your street. All it takes is take some time off from whatever you do regularly and observe everyone in your muhalla. I did it! Well, because I’m pretty waila at the moment and also because I like it, aik alag hi hobby hai yeh people watching wali bhi. Jis ne bhi shuru ki thi woh saray stalkers ka peyo hai! Anyway. I got to observe a lot of unusual and weird characters in the past couple of days and I must admit that I enjoyed it a bit. Made me laugh.
The first character and the funniest one is the extreme “poond” of your muhalla. Is banday ne kisi larrki ko nahi bakhsha, har aati jati larrki pe is ne line maarni hoti hai and what’s worse is that they call their every friend up and the first thing that comes out of their mouth is, “Jaldi pohanch, bohat mahaul hai.” . He’s probably a college drop out and doesn’t do anything at all and even if he does, he leaves the work at noon and starts roaming around in streets on his “cool” bike (which isn’t really cool at all, dekh ke dil karta hai foran se paishtar aag laga dun!). I also thought of a special term to describe him and that term is Najayez Shahrukh Khan. (I swear it sounded really funny in my head when I was observing him). In “poonds” ki koi age restriction nahi, I have even seen 25-year-olds, I’m pretty sure a lot of people have seen them, too. Yeh hotay hein frustration ke maaray ke why the hell are they not getting married. Yaar, kaam karo gay tou shaadi hogi na. Awein koi utha ke apni beti dey dey aap ko? Ja ke 3 Idiots dekho pehlay, idiot admi! This guy ends his day with smoking a cigarette (probably Benson & Hedges ke packet mein K2) and doing a shodi of what we call “wheeliyan”. One-wheeling kiye beghair in hazraat ka din pura nahi hota aur jab chott lagti hai tou marnay walay huay hotay hein. Bazu pe halkay se bruises hotay hein aur ji Shaukat Basra ki tarah sar pe puray hospital mein maujood pattiyan bandhwa letay hein. In se door hi rahiye warna yeh apko bhi apnay jaisa kar dein gay!
Moving on to what I call a “khar dimagh” muhallay daar. Yeh log har waqt ghussay mein rehtay hein. Subah office jatay huay ghussa, office se wapis aye tou tab bhi ghussa! Nass nass mein bhara hai in ke ghussa. Lagta hai in logon ko apni biwiyon se aala qism ki kutt parrti hogi. If somebody parks their car in front of this khar dimagh muhalla daar’s house then what happens has been briefly explained in the tweet below.
#FavouritePunjabiLines: “Aey gaddi twaddi aey?” … “Aho!” … “Tey apnay buway aggay khilaro, meray naal pehn veyayi aey?
— Ahsan Haseeb (@ahsanhaseeb) March 18, 2013
It gets worse at times. Chapairrein shapairrein aur kussun mukkay aur pata nahi kia kia. In uncles se jitna door raha jaye, apki zindagi utni hi asaan hai. Ya agar itna hi shoq hai tou every time you see them, greet them with a genuine smile on your face. It will make them feel good. I have tried it. Ab pata nahi woh uncle tharki thay ya waqayi mein he felt good. God knows!
:bell baji aik dum: “KOOOOONNN?” … “Aunty, ball ayi hai apke ghar!” Now, there are two possibilities to this situation. Either it’s “Aik second beta, abhi deti hun!” or it’s “Chalo nasso aidron, beghairato! Koi nai milni baal shaal.” It all depends on how you treat your neighbours lekin kuch auntiyon ko wakhri hi koi tapp hoti hai galli ke har bachay pe because in that pack of kids, there is that one kid jo sab ke gharon ki bellein baja ke bhagta hai but he never gets caught. Is baat ka badla woh aunty ball phaarr ke bahir gali mein phenk kar utaarti hein. In bachon mein woh bachay bhi hein jo bilawajah gali mein idhar udhar dorrtay rahein gay. Na koi maqsad na kuch aur phir jab chott lagay gi tou muhallay ke usi “poond” pe ilzaam aye ga ke, “Haaaye, munda maar ditta aes bekaar insaan ne!” Waisay us poond ki aik counter-part larrki poond bhi hoti hai. I’m sorry, girls, but it is true and you are gonna have to accept it. Yeh larrkiyan kabhi kabhi un male “poonds” se bhi chaar hath agay hoti hein. Aur jab pakri jati hein ghar tou they put all the blame on those male “poonds”. Matlab ke, puray muhallay ich sab taun kutteyan aali ausay poond naal e hondi aey!
There are those aunties jo muhallay mein larraiyan karwati hein. We call them Phaphay Kuttniyan. Idhar ki sun ke udhar teeli laga di, udhar se sun ke kahin aur teeli laga di. Yehi maqsad hai in auntiyon ka bas. Apnay bachay vi nai saambhdi aey auntiyan tey! In auntiyon se bachnay ka aik hi tareeqa hai ke inhein kuch bataya hi na jaye. Trust me, I have met a lot of aunties of this type and may God have mercy upon us, these aunties can make you look like a complete fool. Yeh wohi auntiyan hein jo har larrki ko “Beta tumhari shadi bhi bas honay wali hai!” wali line bolti hein. Kuch auntiyan woh bhi hein jo din mein pichhattar crore rotiyan khati hein aur phir shaam ko gali mein walk karti nazar aati hein. Why? Because screw logic, that’s why! In auntiyon ka aik kilo wazan kam ho jaye tou in se barra “fitness expert” hi koi nahi hota puri dunya mein.
Another thing that gathers my attention is the increase in street crimes. I have experienced it, too. In October 2011, two guys on a motorcycle (probably chori ki) snatched my phone, my wallet and a 1.5 liter bottle of Coke (sab se ziada ghussa isi baat ka aya tha mujhay, LOL. Okay, sorry!). I asked them to at least give me my sim card back so that I wouldn’t have to go and get it blocked. You know what the guy said? “Denna main tennu sim!” And, then he pushed my away and they rode away. (Note: THOSE GUYS HAD A FREAKING GUN!) You can’t do anything when someone is pointing a gun towards you and that, too, so close. Unless you’re the Great Gama or even Punjabi films ka hero, jo pachaas lakh goliyan khanay ke bawajud chal phir raha hota hai. So hardcore. What I’m trying to say is that your muhallay daar don’t move forward to help you, usually. When this incident was happening, I could clearly see an uncle who was watching this whole scene from his balcony but he didn’t bother to do anything. I hate that uncle (dil karta hai bori banwa dun unki kisi din). I know what you’re thinking. “Gali ka chokidar kidhar tha?” Right? No? :okay face: The chokidaars are sleeping while sitting on their seats every time you see them. Aik dou ghantay seetiyan maari aur phir ghoray baich ke sotay rahay puri raat.
The thing that annoys me the most is I can clearly hear all sorts of noises but when I start playing drums tou sab ko keerra larr jata hai koi. They couldn’t see my happy? Well, that was my previous neighbourhood. Is naye walay mein no tension, piyo Benson, khush raho Ahsan type scene hai. (I don’t smoke, that’s just a lame shayari. Not even shayari, actually!)
There is another type, too. MY TYPE! They don’t make any friends because they don’t really like people. They like to live in their own world or just hang out with those people who they REALLY like (zabardasti!). Is tarah ke log are socially awkward but once they’re frank with you, you’d see their awesome side. (LULZ!)
Sab baaton ki aik baat. Neighbourhood is an essential part of our lives. We can’t live where there is nobody to interact with. Akelay deewarein dekh dekh ke banda mar jaye. I’m absolutely sure that there are a lot of other characters who are even more interesting and maybe, I’ll cover them sometime in future (nangay nahi ghoom rahay woh tou don’t take it in that sense. I mean un ke baaray mein likhun ga. Okay, this was a terrible joke!).
Tab tak ke liye… feel free to like and comment!